Wednesday, February 11, 2009


wtf? Why do I feel like crap? Not like a stomachache or measles, in fact I guess I am lucky to be in perfect health, no this is a different feeling. This eats me up from the inside and leaves me feeling helpless. This economy is really getting to me and all though I have plenty of things going for me why does everything look so bleak.

I love my fiancé and she truly is a guiding light for me. All I do is for her and I always wish I could do so much more for her. I cannot wait for our wedding. Everyone says it will be September in no time and that makes me very happy. Why can't she have the wedding of her dreams? We have to cut every single corner. I know she is happy but happy is never good enough for me. I want her ecstatic. Yeah there was some money. $5k of which disappeared when an overzealous HR rep decides to quit. Ok so Breanne did not get anything in writing and everything was just word of mouth but Breanne is good hard worker and $100k is pennies compared to what Breanne is worth. But everybody is worth less in a bad economy and now one third of her expected bonus disappears. To add salt to the wound her parents keep on throwing money at us in some kind of parental bailout. We scratch their back and then 30 years from now when they can't take care of them selves we have the pleasure of doing it for them. Who knows what the economy is going to be then? Save your money for a retirement so you CAN take care of yourself.


Yeah and it is not like I am doing anything about it. Sure, I am getting through classes but I hate it. Even taking classes online and I stare at prompts for schoolwork for hours and not a damn thing comes to mind. I have no creativity. I tried to draw, I hate looking at them a child could do better I can barely keep up with this with out freaking out. I can program and fix computers with my eyes closed. I can't write a paper. I don't want to have a discussion about the right to privacy or what the hell a 401k is. I don't feel like I am worth something unless I have a job and nobody is hiring. My last interview ended with I can hire a professor at a junior programmer's wage why should I hire you? WTF! I have talent of 20 programmers in my little pinky and no one is willing to give me a chance. GIVE ME A PURPOSE! I just want to give Breanne the wedding she deserves. I want to give her the life she deserves but school is pissing me off and I don't even know if it will be worth a damn thing in 8 months. I can't go through school anymore but if a masters start being the minimum requirement to get in the field I want how the hell am I supposed deal with that? I can't get the experience without the experience. I have been free lancing for pennies and all I want is for Breanne to be happy and not have to take hours of call.

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